Godless

I see my reflection
naked as a vegetable
amongst silver brush strokes
on the liquid tension of the water
on a forgotten pond
somewhere under the winter moon

Again, practicing the mastered art
of letting go
watching as my story unfolds before my eyes
how my magical hands aren't so magical anymore
how starting over (remember? it used to be so commonplace)
has now become an insurmountable task

How every step keeps getting heavier and heavier
and my eyelids plead for rest
how my heart feels heavy with you in it
and my stomach empty without
and my clumsy feet step on a rainbow of dead butterflies
on my way out the door
undoing the shoelaces of what we were
wishing I could dig my hands in my chest
to extract you, like a rotten fruit
like a ticking bomb
or a little hell
somewhere in my ribcage
between my heart and my lungs
somewhere in my mind
in hurtful razor sharp memories
bleeding teary eyes in regret

Then I reach the moonlit pond
and I let my body wash under the silverlight
and I let my dick hang freely, like a vegetable
that's when I'm a child again
in pure innocence, and bliss

But then ...I remember
and I'm not that kid anymore
and I'm much too tired to start over
and I see my reflection
how I've grown old
the photo story of what I left behind, flashing by

and so I throw my belt over the branch where I engraved your name

and I let my corpse swing freely

on that forgotten oak, somewhere
under the winter moon
and in my stupid, idiotic heart
hoping you'll approve